This Heaviness

Self-awareness is a double-edged sword

On one hand,

I wield with unwaveringly, forging through with my own conviction

Navigating tricky situations by understanding my limitations

Socrates says ‘know thyself’

I cannot begin to understand others

when I do not fully understand the person that wears this flesh husk,

the soul that breathes into these very words,

or the various roles I slip into like clothes on a rack.

What Socrates did not tell me

is that one may sometimes view themselves as

the eye of the hurricane;

Clouds condensing to form this heaviness

That sits at the pit of my belly

churning and swirling without rest,

a storm brewing in the horizon

I am so good at spotting my emotions

Maybe too good

You ever hear of self-fulfilling prophecies?

In psychology, we learn about these,

how our brains our so powerful in converting thought and ideas

Into actions and beliefs

the mere thought of thinking you are good at something,

propelling you to pursue it even more.

Even while armed with this knowledge,

My emotions get the better of me

My self-awareness studies my anger, my sorrow

My joy, each individual crayon of this beautiful, yet messy portrait

Analysing them like they were data sets

Seeking a cause, an effect, and a solution

But emotions do not wish to be restrained and simplified

They flit around, I am Harry Potter chasing the Golden Snitch

My happiness, an inch away from my outstretched hands

For two amazing years, my pockets have been full

Of these golden snitches, each carrying a memory

That changes into slightly different versions

each time I try to replay them in my head

Sadly, my head is not a hard drive with folders that exist in isolation

The golden snitches rattle around, bump into each other

Biases building bridges across the gaps

to create this mesh of past experiences

Now I am home, surrounded by the familiarity of family and

The conformity of community

Longing comes in waves

Some days you barely feel the water

Others, it takes you by surprise till you feel yourself gasping for air

I tell myself that it is okay to feel the pelts of water on my face

It is okay that I sit with my pain and allow it to overcome me

I do not need to chase after the golden snitch today

It is enough that I am acknowledging this gaping hole in my heart

It is enough that I am not turning a blind eye towards my inner child

This heaviness will not rust within me

This heaviness will help ground me into the fresh-cut grass

This heaviness will one day allow me to break through the chains of repression

Neuroplasticity tells us to let go of the useless stuff

And make room for what is relevant

My golden snitches are not weighing me back

They’re helping me fly.