Photo by Oleksii Hlembotskyi on Unsplash
For all the self-improvement I do, I am still one messed up human being. And that’s okay. I’ve been coming up with one thesis statement after another, thinking of some clever way to frame my growth throughout the past year or what angle to go for when it comes to the trepidation and excitement of turning 20.
Popular media often depicts this decade as a time of exploration and making it. There are wild parties, spontaneous road trips, soul-searching, money problems, lack of obligations, managing responsibilities, falling in and out of love, amongst many others. It feels overwhelming to be on the cusp of a new decade. It’s barely been a week since my birthday and I’m already overthinking the next phases of my life.
I keep thinking when I’m in Siargao, I would return to a place of roundedness, of unity with the ocean, of being myself amongst these strangers who could care less about what you wear and how you present yourself.
I keep thinking when I’m in college, I would have a sense of direction driving me forward and giving my parents the stability they seek. That I would have a future, or something.
I keep thinking when I move on, then I would stop yearning for a love that no longer loves me. That I would be content in my singularity and wholeheartedly focus on my friends, family, and community. That I would stop filling the void with external energy and draw from my own internal stores.
I keep thinking when I’m financially secure enough, I would provide my own experiences with no challenge from others. I would be free to travel wherever I feel the tug at my chest. I would start hobbies with no expectation or pressure of greatness.
I often forget what a beautiful time the reckoning can be. When I’m wrestling between all sorts of choices, emotions, my own intuition versus that of what has been dictated by society. Shifting circumstances and opinions. Changing hearts and changing minds. What an amazing thing it is to observe the heart being pulled to different directions. To recognise the validity and equal potential for growth in all paths.
The thing is, I’m currently at a point where Amanda months ago would have wanted to be: able to make art on a daily basis, practice yoga comfortable, cook nourishing food. Because Amanda months ago was focusing on surfing, maintaining a household, and cooking whatever she could afford. And Amanda months before that wanted to leave home for a simpler and more challenging life, to meet new people and learn new things. So Amanda now is trying to design a lifestyle for future Amanda that allows for creative expression at home with enough flexibility for inhabiting different places. The homebody in me is in an arm fight with the drifter in me. I wonder if they can come to an embrace at all.
What I’m now realising with this cycle is that the body, mind, and soul, will crave different things at different seasons. And that I sacrifice certain things in order to achieve what I desire. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I just told myself that since I can never have all I want, I might as well do my best to remain grateful in spite of it all. But I fail nearly every damn day to practice this. The endless idealism I possess drives all notions of wanting to be a better person. And I am painfully aware of the perpetual dissatisfaction that whispers at night and inappropriately during moments of unbridled happiness.
Truthfully, I find it hard to draw the line between contentment and complacency. For all my talk about enjoying the small things in life, I also see myself wanting to go the extra mile. I don’t want to settle in my hometown, I don’t want to be doing the same things for the rest of my life. Yet I also recognise the dangers of only reaching for the next best thing, of treating life as a series of treadmills, each one increasing in gradient. This journey is not linear and I have to remind myself of that every time I feel unsettled in my stillness and my mediocrity.
An acquaintance, whom I look up to and wish to regard as a dear friend one day, told me I’m too hard on myself. She gave me advice that was not patronising or looking down at me in any way, but came from a place of deep love and reflection. I won’t say it word for word because I treasure them and want to keep them for myself. But for those feeling the same stirrings of chaos and confusion as we enter a new age I tell you: to shed the pressures others put on you, that you put on yourself. To allow yourself to be wild and free, not because you have zero obligations, but because you owe it to yourself to be the best damn version of you, not what everyone wants you to be. In the end, it’s your life. You will be the only one faced with your choices and decisions in your deathbed. And I hope it’s a life you’re proud to call your own, as encapsulated in the last few lines of the poem, "The God Who Loves You" by Carl Dennis
Sit down tonight And write him about the life you can talk about With a claim to authority, the life you’ve witnessed, Which for all you know is the life you’ve chosen.
I also recommend watching Everything, Everywhere, All at Once for a similar message only with tears, laughter, and a deep gratitude for the present moment. Favourite movie of all time. What I would give to watch it again for the first time.
poster by James Jean
I hope that you take the time to ask the big questions. To sit in silence and listen to your inner knowing. To not ignore that voice and act on it every single day. Be it small or big. There’s nothing that fulfils me more than living in alignment with my values. And it’s not easy work. Deep conditioning tells you there’s less friction when you walk the path that countless others have walked. That your inner knowing is not pragmatic. That familiar pains are more comfortable than unfamiliar possibilities.
So, while I know that I’m a mess, I’m not anywhere near to being the Buddha or a top supermodel, I am a beautiful mess, nonetheless. Here’s to making an absolute mess of myself the next ten years. Wishing that you all own yourselves with the same certainty.
Sharing with you my latest shower anthem for good vibes ahead:
Love and light,
but also destruction and chaos,
as the goddess Kali embodies,
Amanda
14 July 2022
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