Room in New York | Edward Hopper, 29" x 36", oil on canvas
Living in an international school made me realise that I was never a social pariah, I just needed to be surrounded by my people. The downside to forming and maintaining such beautifully deep and profound relationships was that I placed so much of my self worth on being a people person, how I can be of service to others. Of course being altruistic is an amazing thing, but doing so at your own expense really leads one to question if friendships are truly based on bonds of mutual respect and admiration, or bonds of convenience.
My confidence dropped when I could not form deep friendships right away here in Dumaguete. My found family was not formed overnight, but we had no difficulties jumping into topics that would leave us talking for hours. I had always admired the people in my life who asked me to come with them and do activities together. I never really experienced this growing up. The act of being invited validated me, made me feel seen.
So I made a promise to myself to emulate the thoughtfulness of my friends. I wanted to take the initiative to invite others out. As an ambivert, I find it quite easy to be by myself and be around others. Yet, living alone amplified a sense of loneliness I never knew existed till now. I found that I would extend lots of invitations to eat out, get coffee, or chill. There are moments when I am content in my solitude, either to recharge or to generate ideas for my art. There are also moments where I ask myself why I am so eager to fill the silence with laughter or conversation. Perhaps I feel that my thoughts isolate me further. Perhaps I am just yearning for the genuine exchange of energies and stories. Deep down, I am a person who greatly values community. I believe we can achieve so much more and be a healthier society (mind, body, and spirit) when we are more vulnerable and clear in our intentions.
Alas, people have their own lives. Things were easier in Singapore when we all had nobody. We were in a situation where we only had each other to rely on. Here in Silliman University, everyone comes with their own stories, their own friend groups, their own responsibilities, their own burdens. It’s hard to find people who would make space for me the way that I have for others in the past, whether I was in Singapore, Siargao, etc. I have always felt at home in transient spaces, no matter how much grief they have brought me in in my journey, the impermanence makes you more willing to be honest and vulnerable, to use what little time you have to create deep connections. Being in a place that’s a little more permanent somehow unsettles me because of the ease at which people take others for granted.
There is nothing more isolating than being surrounded by people you can’t relate to. There may be no physical barriers between us, no lockdown driving us to the point of madness, and still, I feel this fear to be truly authentic and connect on a deeper level. In my search for friendship, I have noticed recurring patterns of people-pleasing, dulling myself down to fit the interests of others. Not only is this disrespectful to my truth, it also compromises my sense of self.
Hope is not lost, though. I have found it the most unlikely of people, in the most unlikely of places. I am slowly working through these patterns and giving myself full permission to disappoint others rather than disappointing myself.
On halloween, I took myself out to see my first live drag show. Alone. I had never gone out by myself at night. But I was so tired of letting experiences slide and wanted to watch queens slay. So, I put my discomfort aside and embraced the unknown. Long story short, I had no regrets. Though others went in groups, collective laughter and appreciation for the performers made me feel like I belonged. I loved every second of it. It was the push I needed to be more daring. It felt like channeling the energy of Amanda who flew alone to another country to study, the Amanda who went to Siargao alone to find herself.
My subconscious believes that profound experiences are only real when shared with others who can confirm what happened. Somehow, if I keep going down this path, I will end up chasing memories because of external factors as opposed to my inner drive. My experiences are real, whether I am alone or with friends.
I want to keep striving to my own Best Friend. I promise to never abandon myself no matter how easy it is to rely on others. I know I am capable of giving myself the love I so readily hand out to others. I just need the time, grace, and relentless patience to inscribe it into my bones again and again.
May you unearth your truest self and embrace whatever may come.
Always,
Amanda
6 November 2022
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