Lavender, Holly Warburton
The last two weeks passed by in a blur. I moved 90% of my belongings across land and sea. I lined up to pass documents to the admissions office to be considered as officially enrolled. I ran around from store to store picking out shelves, appliances, cleaning supplies, and essentials for me to survive. I bumped around from hall to hall on campus trying to find my classrooms only to discover that classes will begin in September since everyone was prioritising preparations for Hibalag Festival and other celebrations for this year’s founder’s week. And I discovered how taxing it is to maintain my own living space.
I am not blind to the privilege I possess. Because of the family I was born into, there are less barriers for me to pursue quality education outside of my hometown. And feigning ignorance to that would make me less compassionate to the difficulties that others face. Still, I don’t think that my feelings are any less valid. To do so would be to rob myself of the chance to be self-compassionate. I would be denying my own signals for help. It has been exhausting, overwhelming, frustrating, and lonely. You have no idea how good it feels so good to admit that. My own inner critic has silenced me with reminders that I can’t complain because others have it worse and that I’m in a very good position for a 20-year-old entering adulthood. Welcome to adulthood.
I could have chosen to reside in the dormitories on campus. This would have removed many of challenges I am dealing with at present. Distance and unfamiliarity being the most pressing. I live on the outskirts of downtown, where many tricycle drivers consider to be far and would ask for additional payment to an already steep fare. My bike arrived last week, which has been a godsend getting back and forth between my apartment and uni. However, I am still learning all the one-way roads and am actively avoiding accidents due to the lack of bike lanes, rogue motorcyclists, and huge trucks barreling down the road.
The caveat that put me off living in the dorms was the inability to cook and the lack of boundaries between school life and personal life. I remember how stressful it was to live, breathe, and eat school for 24 hours every single day. Although it was convenient to be able to ask for help for assignments or projects at a moment’s notice, it felt claustrophobic. I would actively get out of the boarding house in Singapore to reset and recenter. To remind myself of a life beyond school. Because there is.
I suppose all these challenges will allow me to evolve into someone more capable of swerving with life’s curveballs. Lourdes Alcober said, “Choose your hard.” As in, what difficulties are your prepared to deal with in exchange for the life you want to inhabit?
I could be studying in Canada, surrounded by diverse, intellectual minds and great sights. Yet, I would have difficulty in attaining a sense of comfort as undergraduates scholarships are reserved for Canadian nationals. Not to mention exorbitant fees required for international students and the inflated cost of living.
I could be in Cebu, closer to my hometown, where the familiarity of people and places may dissuade my fears. But the chaos of city life rattles my bones no matter my efforts in remaining grounded. As you can tell from reading my previous posts, environment is a huge factor for me. I recognise it’s not the sole cause of my happiness, rather a component of my holistic contentment.
I am here in Dumaguete. I romanticised it so heavily in my mind that I once again fell into the trap of attaching my self to the ideal notion of this place. I am a stranging peering into a window, observing friendships already forged, a table filled with delicacies I am not sure my allowance could cover, and rooms where people go in and out without fear of intruding. It is a home nonetheless, waiting for me to settle down and welcome its flaws as well as its strengths. The next four years look like winding road disappearing into the horizon, with no clear end in sight. Like all things though, college will come to pass.
Apart from the city itself, I also fantasized about freshman orientation. I imagined entire conversations where we introduced ourselves and unveiled our life stories. I dreamt of discovering the city’s offerings with other freshmen who were equally lost. So think of my surprise when I saw that only the dormers were given extensive tours and activities to bond together. This is probably how the day students felt at UWCSEA, observing me and my fellow boarders back in 2019. It hurt to be excluded. Where I see this lack of consideration for an inclusive orientation, I see an opportunity for me to organise one for next year’s freshman class in the Fine Arts department, perhaps expanding to include the College of Performing and Visual Arts as a whole. My intention is to create a safe space where these kids don’t feel lost and could have someone they could rely on.
My life is temporary. I try to remind myself that on a daily basis, in the event I get the notion that somehow I can live forever. I want it to be filled with the knowing that I did my best to revolutionise the way we connect. To urge my schoolmates to think deeply, to be curious, and to be authentic. I want to die aware of the fact that I did my part to ensure Silliman University is a haven for people of all creeds, to be truly diverse in practice and not just on paper. To be my slice of UWC in the Philippines. I think all I’m searching for is an extension to what I found in Singapore: kindness, warmth, and community.
I got so used to island life, that is to say, a life aligned with my values. Where the people that surround me are done with drama. Grounded travelers sharing their wisdom. My partner that appreciates and accepts my old soul self. Who pushes me towards my dreams and away from those who do not have my best intentions.
Starting university feels like reentering the matrix I had previously woken up from. I’m not saying this from a place of self-righteousness and arrogance. I unlearned the programming that conditioned me into thinking gossip was the norm, that it was normal to be involved in the business of others. Back to petty teenage tantrums, using appearance as a way of measuring status, and cliques. Back to a system that no longer reflects the realities of the real world. Outdated education practices that exercise rote memorisation instead of engaging debates that exercise critical thinking. I believe in education. Not schooling. There’s a difference. There’s a difference between robotically dispensing information and training students to be reflective, creative, collaborative, and empathetic. The former pushes you to become a cog in the capitalist wheel. The latter encourages you to find your own unique role in this ever changing world, to be equipped with traits necessary to overcome many of the issue plaguing our world.
You may have a different opinion from me. Imo pud na. Let’s respect each other’s views so long as they remain within the realm of being reasonable. And let’s leave it at that. Agree to disagree because I am not going to waste my energy on tasteless discourse.
I may come from a family of educators but I feel called to question systems that no longer benefit society the way it used to. I have a moral responsibility to raise awareness and create solutions that allow young minds to be their truest selves. How I will achieve that, I do not know. But I have hope. I feel stuck between looking forward to the rest of my life outside of this microcosm and my less than ideal present. I want to make the most of it, still. To leave Silliman a better place than I found it. Just as I saw the flaws in UWCSEA and sought to remedy them, so will I strive to do the same here. For love is not blind acceptance, rather, working towards growth. Thank you to my partner for teaching me this and always focusing on my growth.
This piece of writing is so many things all at once and I will not apologise for it. There are so many things to be grateful for, but I have given myself the grace to honor what has been difficult so far in this journey. Because it has given me strength to look back and tell myself that I did good, that I am doing good. And it has given me strength to look forward with curiosity and a willingness to learn.
I hope your day is filled with immense gratitude and small actions that make you feel like you.
Love and light,
Amanda
28 August 2022
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