How does one keep the fire burning?

It's been a hot minute.

Photo by Almos Bechtold on Unsplash

This is the third or fourth version of what I originally intended to write. I feel like the more things enter the equation, the less I slow down and remember my intention for writing this blog. I recall one of the reasons for producing weekly entries: to challenge myself in this craft, to write even on bad days. But there was also another reason that I left out for fear of being mocked or ridiculed: to practice writing what would become scripts for my future youtube channel. Or podcast. Whichever would come first if the stars aligned. Yes, you heard that right. I realise that a lot of the videos and podcasts I gravitate towards are somewhat associated to the path I am currently on. I also enjoy having conversations about life and poignant topics and would want to exercise that on a more challenging level by bringing my conversations to a public platform. I was frustrated by the lack of young filipino women taking on gap years when I realised that I could be the voice that Amanda six months to a year ago would have wanted to hear. And chances are, I am not alone.

I now realise that I can't wait for things to come to me. I have to yank the stars myself and be biased towards action instead of daydreaming. I am reminded by a negative filipino trait we covered in elementary as part of our values education: ningas kugon. Translating directly to the burning of cogon grass—a grass that only burns brightly a few seconds after it was lit. The question is: "How does one keep the fire burning?". Apparently it is a common Filipino phenomenon to rush into things and not make them last in the long term. So perhaps a key learning from not posting anything in the past few weeks is to remind myself that my direction is more important than my speed. It is a pattern I often find myself in, which results in switching creative pursuits. The minute I lose interest of writing, I switch to painting, and the cycle continues. On the one hand, it shows that I can be versatile and flexible, and on the other, it shows a lack of commitment and drive. Though we are not perfect, we can strive to be better today than we were yesterday.

I recently came across Roxanne Gay's Skillshare class on writing creative nonfiction essays, which sparked some reflections pertaining to my own process, as well as areas I can improve moving forward. Maybe the writers among my readers would find these reflections insightful:

I can accept the fact that I might not always be universal When I look back on my blog entries there's a sense of trying too hard to be relatable. I feel like I am constantly explaining myself. I suppose the main reason for this is the hardwiring built into my IB english class where my teacher told us to write as if our audience knows nothing about the topic at hand. Of course, this advice was useful in showing examiners the breadth and depth of our knowledge regarding a text we analysed. Not so applicable to a blog where I'm trying to develop my sense of specificity and clarity. It is a reality that not everyone will relate to my experiences, but it is through my writing; the small moments that I pay attention to, that my readers can find a common thread of humanity.

I have to draw boundaries between my personal experiences and my writing Roxanne Gay draws the distinction between exploiting your own pain for a compelling narrative and carefully picking out personal experiences to serve as inspiration for others. I have been guilty of committing the former. Roxanne says it is not a hard rule; but we must be intentional in deciding to share our pain as authors, lest we subject ourselves to the potential feeling emotionally violated should our works gain more and more recognition. There is also the matter of including people within these painful experiences who need to be made aware, especially if these people are family and friends once made mistakes and are actively trying to be better people. Point is, moving forward, before publishing a blog post or writing personal essays, I'm going to stop and ask myself: "What am I trying to achieve by including this anecdote?". Recently, my best friend pointed out that she would feel exposed if her innermost thoughts were readily accessible to anyone. And this made me think if I should be more conservative in sharing my deepest secrets. True, there are some things I will never feel comfortable sharing, but for the most part, I trust that the people who come across my work will treat my words with kindness, if not, maybe at least some constructive criticism.

I need to hold myself accountable on a wider level I recently read this blogpost by one of the houseparents in my previous boarding school, which provided insights on how a support system helps one reach their own individual goals. It reminded me of how it was easier to stay fit when I was supported by my peers and held accountable on weekly challenges. Because maintaining this blog is self-motivated and there is no extrinsic reward, I find it difficult to push myself through periods of not being my best. Roxanne's suggestion was to join an online writing group or to see if there is already an existing writing group in my city. Being in a circle of people who all want to improve in their writing and provide feedback is definitely a community I am searching for this year.

I must look outward and invite people into a conversation Roxanne says that we oftentimes regard writing as a diary entry, a one-sided conversation with the readers, when the case is, writing should open up the floor for discussion. Looking inward is when we reflect on events of note and how they fit into our lives. Looking outward is showing your readers that your experiences do not exist in a bubble, they are not isolated, they are impacted by politics, class, socioeconomic factors, and other larger forces that connect us as humans. Creative nonfiction should be a balance of the two, though I notice that there is room for me to grow in looking outward. After all, as much as I'd like to admit that my entire world is my bedroom from which I write, I am still a part of this world. What I say to people matters.

By revisiting my limitations from time to time, I hope that you, my readers would be able to see my growth and perhaps even grow along with me. Let's keep the fire burning. But let's not reach the point of burning out,

Much light and love, Amanda