Amanda a year ago would have given anything to be in the country where I am writing this blog post.
Art by yours truly
I didn’t think I would get to this point of being comfortable with going to university in the Philippines.
I didn’t think that the things I found admirable about city life would be things that no longer feed my soul.
I didn’t think I would be at peace with any of these changes.
For context, I returned to Singapore to get my transcript authenticated so I could apply to university here in the Philippines. I also wanted to see a few friends and catch up with my teachers and houseparents.
Before Siargao, I had a hard time letting go of the whole UWC experience. Funny how I wrote a whole blog post way back about the art of letting go and here I am still going through similar aches and pains, albeit with different people this time.
I found Singapore very overwhelming and disorientating. Everything and everyone moved so fast. I had grown accustomed to the more laid-back way of things here. I like being able to mindfully move about my day and connect with people who are going along at that same pace. But before, I used to anxiously wait at bus stops or in the MRT. It was always about how quickly I could get from point A to point B. This time round, I had this sense of patience, that I know deep down took months to build, but felt like it popped out of nowhere. I guess I have surfing to thank for letting things be.
The place I used to call home, I now regard with a lot of sadness. Sadness that so many filipinos wish that our country was more like Singapore. That they wish things were cleaner, more disciplined, more efficient, more economically or technologically advanced. But when I look around me in the train carriage and everyone’s looking down at their phones, I see how disconnected everyone is. And when you look at Singapore’s history of land reclamation and wiping out indigenous culture, it makes things less black and white. A lot of their environmentally-friendly strategies are green-washing initiatives covering up the real damage taking place. Reading Eating Chilli Crab in the Anthropocene: Environmental Perspectives on Life in Singapore by Matthew Schneider Mayerson provided a lot of insights that have added depth and understanding to my knowledge of this country.
Sure, there are ways we can improve our country. Just do it with the sense that no country or culture is perfect. I’ve been critical about the Philippines many points in my life. It’s my way of showing that I care and that I will not be complacent in injustices. Well, I’m being critical of Singapore now for an entirely different reason. My friend, Ashi and I, were surprised to find one another and we were talking about moving on. She said, “Singapore was good for me during high school, and the boarding house will always be a home, but it’s also okay if we don’t like this place anymore”. And it was really comforting for her to validate that, yes, we outgrew Singapore. Not because we’re larger than it. But because there are different things that speaks to the soul. For me, it’s an abundance of nature. It’s slowing down and being intentional. It’s the warmth of family and community. It’s simplicity and quiet.
I’m just proud of the fact that I no longer pine for my friends as much as I used to. The more I held on to them, the more I was losing myself. And when I started appreciating what I do have, and taking notice of the casual magic all around me, I became content contacting my UWC friends once in a while. Months may pass, changes may take place, but when we do call, it feels like pressing play on a movie that was paused.
I love my friends and I wish the best for them, so I hope that with time, I’ll stop missing the one person who played such a pivotal role in my gap year. This what you get for being involved with someone during a time meant for self-discovery and self-growth. I did discover parts of myself and I did grow, I just wish that I had the conviction to remain single. Though, they do say, no love is ever wasted. Especially when that love is choosing the past best for them, I’m choosing me, we’re both making the choice to be healthy individuals first. The hole in my heart from watching my friends go off into different directions slowly healed and reopened again because I chose to be vulnerable to new people. And it hurts to think that the rest of my life will be this cycle of creating deep bonds, being separated, moving one, rinse and repeat. But I also know that if I shut myself off to avoid the pain, I won’t be able to welcome the beauty of new friends-turned-family. I think that’s just the complexity of life and to feel all these emotions reminds me I am human. To hurt and to heal means I am still here, I am real, and that my existence matters.
The sunset will fade into night, but there will always be another one tomorrow.
Love and light, Amanda
28 June 2022
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