Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
“If a person cannot solve a conflict with a friend, how can they possibly contribute to larger efforts for peace? If we refuse to speak to a friends because we project our anxieties onto an email they wrote how are we going to welcome refugees, immigrants, and the homeless in our communities? The values required for social repair are the same values required for personal repair. And so this discussion must begin in the most micro experience. Confusing being mortal with being threatened can occur in any realm. The fact that something could go wrong does not mean that we are in danger. It means that we are alive. Mortality is the sign of life.”
-Sarah Schulman, Conflict is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair
Being kind is really hard. On the same level as healing. Healing is often seen as this linear process that gets better with time. The reality is there are some days that feel lighter, and there are some days where the heaviness weighs on you. Kindness is like that too.
I got used to the kindness of my community in UWC. The houseparents fostered such an infectious, caring environment and let through example. It would be really common to find friends comforting each other with a hug, a cup of tea, notes from a class they missed out on, and endless words of assurance. This isn’t really the norm where I’m from. My family and friends here showed kindness in different ways. But it wasn’t a necessity like in the boarding house. When we’re subject to the stresses of acclimatising to a new culture and adjusting to a new and challenging education system, kindness was what got us through and held us together with tender arms.
I expected so many things to be the same despite knowing the glaring differences between the home I grew up in, and my home for the last two years. Reality showed me a different story. It showed me a culture that prided itself in busyness. A culture that left little time for kindness. I found it difficult to criticise this system as many of us are not mindful when we’re stressed. I’ve been guilty of this lack mindfulness then, and I will continue to be. Human as I am, I will forget to be mindful every now and then.
So I stewed. I boiled and I bubbled and I buried my resentment for this absence of tenderness and my tight-knit community. I started to spin stories which would eventually plant a seed of conflict between me and my parents. Throughout my gap year, we’ve had several misunderstandings. Turns out, the apple does not fall far from the tree. I inherited my penchant for storing bitterness in the deep recesses of my subconscious from those before me. In a culture where open discussions are not the norm, where it is not common to communicate about problems, these resentments build up and explode. And when they explode, all sense goes out the window.
But I’m not here to blame my parents, they are human after all. They are doing their best in an insanely competitive and cruel world. I recognise my shortcomings. I know I haven’t been a good daughter. I’m here to write about a culture that has to embrace compassion and clear communication if its wants healthy relationships. We need to evolve and integrate strategies that address hardships in a sustainable way. Because bottling things up cannot be a life-long solution. After all these arguments, I finally told them everything, I mean everything that I harboured in my heart since the beginning.
And this is where the magic happens. Invented stories crumble. Anger gives way to love. Emotions are validated. We all reach this middle ground of wanting to act with love. And we are by no means perfect. If we were, there would be no need to call each other family.
I had been so focused on wanting my external environment to be kind when I had forgotten to be kind myself. I could have chosen then to be the catalyst of the compassion I yearned for. It created a shift in me when I offered to cook meals for my family, to start stimulating conversations, to ask them if they need anything from the grocery.
Everything feels so much lighter. My goal of cultivating worldwide kindness grows ever nearer the more I give to the ones closest to me. Suddenly, it no longer feels impossible for my actions to be aligned with my intentions. All I have to do is speak the truth and keep showing up everyday. And of course, to be kind to myself. Before everyone else, there must be kindness to the self. To not shame myself when certain emotions rise. Emotions tell you you’re human. There is no “good” or “bad” emotion. Just chemical signals telling you to change something.
A word for those who are kind but do not receive kindness: I see you and I hear you. Know that whatever cruelty you are facing is impermanent. There is always a refuge for your weary soul. There are always people willing to hold your hand through the darkness. There will always be enough love within you to be gentle when the world is thorny.
I hope you begin and end your day with an act of kindness to yourself.
Love and light,
Amanda
14 June 2022
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